love island: rating the islanders

Sometimes you get a tick. Not like one of those jungle buggers than buries its way into Harry Redknapp’s gooch, but an incessant, persuasive buzzing that follows you around buzz buzz buzzing everywhere you go. One week ago, I too fell victim to the tick. It all started when rolling down my Twitter timeline, glassy-eyed, discarding thousands of Manchester United transfer rumours.

Something then peaked my interest: @ITV2 Meet our 2019 islanders. Before I could face the reality of it being June again, I was faced with 12 of dazzling white teeth flashing back at me. Love Island, the reality TV show that dictates the social lives of a whole country for two months, was back. My brain started to itch.

“My mum kicked me out for bringing too many girls back!”

In Year 7 science, our teacher introduced us to hydrochloric acid. Dangerous stuff, he said. I remember wondering just how dangerous it was. What would happen if you drank it? Not the wonderings of a psychopath, merely an example of the dumb shit you think about when you're a kid. What happens when you spray deodorant on fire? How many Toxic Waste can one eat at once? Coke and Mentos... what's going on there? In this instance, it was just how bad hydrochloric acid was.

When I heard Anton, the class of 2019's token scotsman, brag about the above, I felt the pain of pouring hydrochloric acid into your own ears. 12-year-old me satisfied. 23-year-old me mortified. And there it was: the content tick. I gave these sparkly bastards a week to stamp their impressions before succumbing to the tick and producing some equally sparkly content.

Iain Stirling, step aside.

+++

Callum

We love an underdog on this blog, so it only feels right to start at the bottom. Callum, oh Callum, is potentially the worst Love Island contestant of all time. We’ve had some stinkers – with a special mention for Creepy Craig, the sweaty bloke that left his family in 2017 to try and woo Camilla – but Callum is the worst.

Where to start? The long lost son of Gary Lineker consumed a grand total of about 30 seconds of air time this week before getting booted off on Friday. His highlight, if any, was his inability to appear without sunglasses on. Daytime? Sunglasses on. Nighttime? On. Bed? On. In the pool? On. Getting told how bad his sunglasses were by Amber? On. Lunar eclipse? On. End of the world? On.  

The worst thing about the worst guy is that he left a career as an aircraft engineer to “kickstart” a new journey as a reality star. TWENTY-EIGHT YEARS OLD. The only reality show this bloke’s personality will reach is Songs of Praise. Somewhere in a Mallorcan airport, Callum sits, updating his Tinder profile to ‘Love Island star 2019’ and scrolling through the ten new followers he’s gained on Instagram.

Verdict

Makes Doctor Alex look like Connor McGregor. Take your sunglasses off.

-10/10

+++

Amy

Lovely girl Amy. Lovely, slightly tragic, girl. The kind of girl that comes bumbling into the office at 9:20am with a slight glaze of sweat on her forehead, complaining about how she tripped up the tube escalator and spilt her lunch in her bag – a salad, “I’m being healthy” – which gradually begins to waft into your nostrils’ catchment area. Garlic dressing today, lovely.

One of the least surprising moments of this series so far has been when Amy declared a deep passion for musical theatre. Definitely the type to see Cats seventeen times in one month. Having coupled up with Curtis early days, she has the potential to go far, but I can’t imagine a moment in time that people won’t question how she’s managed to make it to the villa.

Verdict

Love Island Bridget Jones. So normal that she’s unsuited to this environment of fame-ravenous dolls.

3/10

+++

Tommy

Alpha. So alpha that you wonder if he’s 100% human or not. Boxes. Brother of Tyson Fury. Drinks eggs from a cup. Eats 7,000 calories a day. Lifts weights 23 hours per day. Can eye fuck the two best-looking girls in the villa at the same time and get away with it. Alpha.

Might be some more evolutionary work to be done with young Tommy, but he’s certainly done his homework. Tommy has already managed to reel off 950/1000 quotes that have been used in previous series with “I just want to get to know you”, “I’m a really genuine guy”, and “my head won’t be turned” being some particular favourites. The latter was particularly amusing when it took approximately 3.2 seconds for Tommy’s head to be turned when Molly-Mae appeared in a hot-tub.

We all see through him, but we know he’s our only chance of genuine interest in a graveyard period for the show.

Verdict

The ghost of Adam Collard. Would knock us all out.

8/10

+++

Amber

The only member of the villa that would do more damage to me than Tommy Fury. Amber looks cute. She speaks with a cute Geordie accent. All Geordies are friendly, right? Wrong. Amber wouldn’t just eat you for breakfast, she would boil you, grill you, fry you and then put you in a nutri bullet so that she could drink you through a straw. Look at her once and you become the toast to accompany the fuckboy smoothie she’s cutely sipping in the corner.

But it’s fine, “everyone loves a bit of sass”, don’t they?

Verdict

Medusa. Killed Callum.

7/10

+++

Anton

“mY mUm KiCkEd mE oUt FoR bRiNgiNg tOo mAnY gIrLs BaCk!”

Verdict

Fate sealed before Day One. Too much. Looks like an AI robot that wears makeup and puts his head in a beehive. Your Mum shaves you, Anton. C’mon.

1/10

+++

Lucie

The meta Love Island girl. Looks exceptional at just about every moment in the day. Lucie could be doing a poo and she would still be your dream girl. When Callum is wearing sunglasses, Lucie is looking stunning. Twenty-four bloody seven. Originally wore her hair wavy to prove she’s a surfer. Originally picked a boy with wavy hair to prove she’s a surfer. Regularly mentioned that she’s a surfer to, erm, prove that she’s a surfer.

This soon got crushed by the wave of Tommy Fury. Once he waddled in the hair straightened and Joe was tossed aside. Lucie would be just as comfortable in a VIP booth in Tiger Tiger Cardiff as she would be in a wetsuit in Cornwall. After a few Jaegers, Lucie would likely fall for Scotty T’s boyish charm on a night out in Hull. Destined to wave goodbye to Newquay’s surf-scene and pursue life as an Instagram model.

Verdict

Will inevitably be the one modelling account that normal, non-perverted blokes follow on Instagram for a guilty pleasure. Will be a good guest on Celebrity Juice.

8.5/10  

+++

Sherif

How can you not love Sherif? From the moment he told Anna that he already followed her on Instagram, you knew that he was one of the boys. This is not a man that is used to the reality TV circuit. He’s not dated anyone from TOWIE. He’s not mates with anyone from Geordie Shore. He’s just a normal 21-year-old rugby lad that follows an infinite number of saucy Instagram accounts, one of which he now happens to be coupled up with.

Sherif is living his best life and wiping the floor with Scottish gym owners whilst he’s there. If Love Island became a documentary about Sherif nobody would complain.

Verdict

The People’s Champion.

10/10

+++

Yewande

…. I got nothing.

Verdict

Had to ask around to remember her name

2/10

+++

Joe

Joe. Joe, Joe, Joe. Strolled into the island with so much “I’m not a big bloke but I will make you laugh because I’m a cheeky chappy” sauce. Bagged the best looking girl in the villa, after she decided to sack off a fireman and step forward for him. The first five minutes of Joe’s Love Island experience were so exceptional that people were calling him ‘the new Kem’.

However, much like how Theo Walcott never became Thierry Henry, Joe’s hype was short-lived. Señor Sauce Tommy Fury came waltzing in and whisked Lucie off her surfboard and into his big, burly arms. Joe lost his head and used all his energy to act like he hadn’t lost his head, pinging his head about like he’d just left an all-night techno rave.

Has somehow managed to convince Lucie to recouple with him in the same way that you reluctantly choose a salad at Pizza Express. Unsatisfying all round.

Verdict

Assumed the throne of the villa for approximately three hours before being consigned to Tommy Fury’s pocket. Will never be Kem.

3/10

+++

Anna

Never has someone had so much going on and produced so little entertainment. Anna is a qualified pharmacist that finds herself on Love Island. Interesting. Anna has two blokes fighting over her. Interesting. One of the blokes was a fan of her Instagram account before the show. Interesting. She has pied Anton. Interesting. Her top lip. Interesting.

Yet, alas, nothing. As the girl paired up with Sherif, and the one that destroyed Anton’s confidence, I will support Anna until the death, but I do hope she perks up a bit.

Verdict

Picked Sherif over Anton and shut down Tommy’s claims that McDonald’s is a suitable choice for a first date. Dark horse.

6.5/10

+++

Curtis

I hate Curtis. And I bet I’m not the only one. I can only assume that millions of boyfriends around the country are having to ensure their girlfriends gushing over how ‘nice’ Curtis is. The bloke will undoubtedly win the whole competition for being ‘nice’ – with a 97% female vote – but ‘nice’ can only go so far. How can anyone that constantly says “it’s not easy being cheesy” be respected.

Curtis is that member of your friends group that says “that’s too far, it’s not nice” when you suggest pulling a prank on someone else. Sure, Curtis is top of your list if you want to introduce your parents to one of your friends. Sure, Curtis is the one you speak to when you’re going through a break-up. Sure, Curtis is a bloody great bloke. But he makes you look terrible and, for that, I hate him.   

Verdict

Taking everyone for a ride. Don’t fall for it.

1.5/10

+++

Molly-Mae

The first bombshell of the new series. Molly-Mae’s presence in the villa was instantly worth it to see the girls squirm as she walked through the door. She also caused Tommy Fury to instantly go back on everything he’d been saying for two days, revealing him as a complete (alpha) fraud.

It’s early days for Molly-Mae, but she did used to work in my hometown gym giving me a point of interest to repeatedly input into any Love Island-related conversation. “Did you know Molly-Mae used to work in my gym?” Yes, yes we did.

Verdict

The Kylian Mbappé of the villa, unlimited potential. Worked at my gym.

8/10

+++

Michael

What do you get a man that has it all? More air-time. On first glance, Michael is the ultimate Love Island contestant: a jacked-up Callum Wilson/Callum from Ibiza Weekender that’s a fireman and in a ‘mature’ stage of his life at 27 years old. I’m no girl but I imagine Michael would tick a lot of boxes. He seems like a sound lad, a rare sight on ITV2.

So, I wonder, why has Michael been dropped in the Love Island sidecar? Why do we only see Michael conversing with the bland? The Callums of this world who are not worthy to tie his shoelaces. Why do we see Michael making recoupling agreements to keep himself safe? He shouldn’t need help, this man should be the help.

A modern enigma.

Verdict

This man deserves more #MakeMichaelGreatAgain.

8.5/10